Vulnerability. Not a comfortable concept. Even the word itself if hard to say. All of us have to face it to some degree or another. This morning I was so excited to get out in the sunshine and walk. I had high hopes of finally meeting the woman who’s husband said she’s been wanting to walk in the mornings. I even took the stairs instead of the elevator because I didn’t want the usual mess and occasionl smell of PineSol to ruin my mood. But by the time I burst through the exit into the great outdoors, the sun was covered by clouds and the woman was nowhere to be found. I stood there, alone again under a grey sky, waiting…hoping she would appear.
After a few minutes passed and there was still no sign of anyone coming to join me I headed for the tree despite the overwhelming urge to turn around, crawl back in bed and forget the whole thing. And by the whole thing, I mean the walking group, the weightloss challenge (which hasn’t even started yet), this blog and being a coach. Each and every one of the things on that list makes me feel vulnerable and this morning it was almost too much. My success depends not just on what I do, but also on other people and their willingness to trust that I have their best interest at heart. I can do all the right things, but ultimately they have to take that leap of faith.
In some ways it was easier to go to a job each day that paid well, but deep down I knew I was wasting my time doing something I wasn’t meant to be doing for all the wrong reasons and it was making me miserable. Too many times I’ve taken the safe route, the path that appeared to be the best choice when looking at it logically, but failed to take into consideration what it is that motivates me to be the best I can be. Now I do something that I love, but the very nature of what I do makes me vulnerable.
As I walked along, thinking about how we rely on others for support and encouragement and are often times let down, I starting noticing things all around me that are also vulnerable.
The worm was completely unprotected, relying on the world to first notice it was there and then be kind enough to avoid squashing it. The bird was also vulnerable and clearly saw me as a threat, but had a back-up plan. It protected itself by flying to the top of the tree, out of reach, where it could see when the danger had passed. Some people are like the worm and expect too much from others, putting themselves in situations where they can be easily hurt not realizing that they are at least partially responsible for the consequences. Others are like the bird. While they don’t put up defenses like a blackberry bush, making sure no one can get close without getting hurt, they recognize the possibility of danger when putting their trust fully in the world around them. They know that they can protect themselves by going higher which gives them a better perspective.
As a society we’ve put certain rules in place to protect us from each other. For example, traffic laws. We trust that other people will follow the rules and stay in their own lane or not turn right in front of us. Even though they’re perfect stangers, we trust the other drivers with our lives. However, once we’ve experienced the consequences of someone breaking the rules we become distrustful and even angry. I know that while most of the time I’m a pretty relaxed driver, there are times when another person does something that makes me wonder if they’re paying attention and it makes me angry. Some people have been hurt so many times, they’re constantly on the defensive, ready to lash out at any moment.
I’ve been a worm before. And I’ve been an angry driver. I don’t want to be either. I purposely walked along the road in front of Autzen Stadium because with the way I was feeling I knew I needed a better perspective. The Xs and Os in front of the stadium have quotes engraved at the bottom and I figured someone had decided to put one on there that would help me find the determination to keep moving forward.
Mentally, reading those helped me get the perspective I was looking for. Emotionally, I was still feeling down and discouraged. The batteries in my camera were just about spent, but lasted just long enough so I could photograph the one thing that made me smile as I headed home.
It reminded me that even when the people closest to us let us down or we allow ourselves to feel judged because others don’t seem to have faith in us, there is only one who has the right to judge us and chooses to love us unconditionally. There is only one who knows the number of the stars and every detail of every flower and always notices us…every hair on our head and every thought inside it…and never hurts us, but takes us higher so we can see life from a different perspective.
I’m not going to lie, even as I’ve been sitting here writing this I’ve received news that on another day would’ve been somewhere around a 7 on the disappointment scale, but today feels like 1,000,000. One more thing I was excited about, not just for me, but even more for the other person…gone. Over before it even began. Leaving me wondering why they didn’t trust me to come through for them or why they didn’t talk to me before making the decision final. Part of me, a big part, wanted to say screw it, delete what I’d already written and close up shop. Obviously, I chose a different way of handling it. Perhaps that means I’m growing. I’m sure I’ll get over it, but for now it hurts and that is the reality of being vulnerable. But if we close ourselves off and never take risks we will never live up to the full potential of our lives, robbing those who may have been helped if we had been willing to get hurt along the way.
AWESOME Blog-inspiring! 🙂
Your thoughts evoke things for me to think about.
I was wondering, maybe something came up that the woman couldn’t walk, maybe it was fear or motivation. Maybe the husband wanted his wife to walk more than she did. Maybe she is not ready yet in her heart??? Maybe, that she did not join you, had nothing to do with you-personally.
I can so empathize with what you are going through and feeling! Job hunting is a very vulnerable activity for me.
Ever time I send out an email w/ a resume I send out a piece of my emotions – hope. Hope that someone will take the time to read it and the email I send along w/ it and then actually contact me for an interview. It is easy to get discouraged when you collect a set of replies that thank you for your interest but they have chosen someone else that better meets their needs. It’s not easy to put in 2 or 3 sentences that your are responsible, detail oriented, love to earn new tasks and have enough life experiences that you know how to behave professionally at all times.
As each day goes by, it gets more and more discouraging to keep trying. Picking yourself up, dusting off your butt and starting all over again is not as easy to do as it is to type. Every article that shows up on the web in regards to jobs, job hunting, hiring practices, etc. only adds to the discouragement.
However, reading your blog Mary has been a comfort. You say the same things that I’ve heard, thought and/or felt at one time or another. It’s the same great advice that I give to everyone but don’t follow as well as I should. I think that is the case for most of us though. I also think that a lot of people struggle w/ their feelings like this and don’t remember the one who loves us unconditionally in spite or because of ourselves.
Tomorrow will be a better day for you. All things really do come into being in their own time. It’s hard learning to live with God’s time line than w/ our own. I’ve learned a great deal more patience while I came to that understanding and acceptance of God’s timeline. Yes, occasionally I have moments when I wish desperately that God would be on my time line. And if he could please, get me a job soon! lol
Your pic of the forsythia bushes was wonderful and put a smile on my face since I have spent the last hour updating resumes on CareerBuilder.com and going through craigslist for job openings. I sent off a bunch of emails w/ resumes attached and will do so tomorrow.
Hugs and a smile,
Peggy
I was definitely thinking of you as I was writing this one. I know it would be hard to try and go back out there to find a job which is one reason why I’m so determined to make my coaching business work. 🙂 At least with what I’m doing, there are millions of people I can talk to, but when looking for a job the options are much more limited. It certainly would be easy to get discouraged. The thing I have to keep reminding myself of is that the moment we give up is the moment we fail.
Great subject today — so glad you didn’t delete it. And thanks for the forsythia — I really miss that sign of spring. I guess that the price I pay for living in Texas — no winter, so no spring.
Thanks! I’m glad some people out there know what the plants are because I don’t. I suppose I should get a book from the library and learn more about the local foliage. 🙂 My husband wants to move to Texas. Not sure how I feel about that. 😉