The kids had a snow day today so we decided they should watch a documentary with the hope that they would learn something. After browsing through Netflix for a while we chose Super Size Me. I’ve always wanted to see it and we’ve been making some healthy changes to our eating habits so it seemed like a good choice. If you’ve seen it, I’m sure you can understand that the kids have no desire to eat at McDonald’s anymore. If you haven’t, you should. It’s pretty interesting and disturbing. It was time for lunch when it was over and I found myself desparately in need of some veggies. And another big shout out to Trader Joe’s for supplying the world (well, some parts of it anyway) with minimally processed, casing-free jalapeno chicken sausage.

Breakfast – P90X Cafe Mocha protein bar (took my walk early and the kids weren’t ready for breakfast before I left so I switched it up – heaven forbid I wash the blender twice)

AM Snack – Chocolate Shakeology made with 8oz water, 4oz 1% organic milk, a little vanilla extract and exactly 1 1/2 drops peppermint extract (3 drops total in the blender – I make a double batch so I get a full serving and kids each get half a serving)

Lunch – 4c romaine lettuce, 1 jalapeno chicken sausage, 1oz crumbled feta, some peperoncini slices (didn’t count them), 1Tbs Hidden Valley Ranch dressing mixed with 2tsp Taco Bell Restaurant Sauce and a little water

PM Snack – 1/4c hummus, 1oz Trader Joe’s Stoneground Tortilla chips, 1 banana

Dinner – 1 Boca Flame Grilled burger, 1 slice colby jack cheese, 1 slice crushed wheat sourdough bread from Trader Joe’s, 1Tbs Simply Heinz ketchup (the kind without high fructose corn syrup), 1tsp yellow mustard, 1c peas, 2 wedges Weight Watchers garlic & herb cheese, 6oz Yoplait Light Blueberry Patch yogurt

Now, you’d think I would’ve been satisfied with all that, but no. I still felt like I needed something. In hindsight it was probably water, but I read it as hunger. So I had a bowl of Cheerios. Still wanted more. Two pickle spears. Didn’t cut it. Decided to just have another protein bar, Chocolate Fudge this time, knowing it would definitely fill me up and make me feel like I’d had “dessert”. After the bar, I did feel full and started cleaning up and making dinner for my husband who had just come home. I found one snack size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup left in a bag of assorted chocolates that I’d managed to ignore all week when I picked up the bag to throw it away. “Might as well eat it,” I thought. And I did. After all, how much harm could one little piece of candy do?

It was like a switch flipped on in my head and suddenly, even though it had completely registered that I was full, I just wanted to eat everything in sight. As I pulled the hummus back out of the fridge I asked myself what in the world I thought I was doing. Then I told myself that I just wouldn’t post anything I ate after the protein bar. I rationlized that no one would ever know and I didn’t have to tell everything if I didn’t want to. It was my blog after all. I ate several spoonfuls of the hummus right out of the container, chugged some apple juice from the container, and crunched my way through a handful of croutons.

Did I stop there? No. The spicy beef and broccoli I was making for my husband was done so I had some of that, too, with rice. It was somewhere around the apple juice that I noticed I was having a little trouble breathing. That used to happen a lot when I would sit up at night eating ice cream straight from the carton. That shortness of breath usually turned into a full-on asthma attack and by the time I downed the beef and broccoli that’s where I was. Ugh. And, I hadn’t done my workout yet so I didn’t even had that option for burning off some of those extra calories. Double ugh.

I was so annoyed and disturbed that I had done that to myself again and at how easily I crossed that line. Like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute I was in control, carefully tracking what and how much I was eating and the next minute I totally lost it. It’s like walking a tightrope. You’re so careful to stay right on track so you don’t fall and it becomes easier as you form new habits, but just when you think you’ve got it you lose your focus and crash.

When I woke up this morning I knew I had to post this, as vulnerable as it makes me feel, because the whole point of sharing my food journal is to be accountable. If I left out the bad parts I’d be lying to everyone else, but most importantly myself. So here it is and today is a new day with a chance to get back up on that tightrope and do it all over again, but better because I’ve learned from the experience.

Total Calories – at least 2900 (can’t really be sure, but I tried to account for everything), Protein – 167 grams, Carbs – 379 grams, Fat – 92 grams (YIKES!), Fiber – 38 grams

Protein 22%, Carbs 50%, Fat 28%

Total calories burned – 2567, SURPLUS (ugh!) of at least 333

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